Randomly joined a raid last night for a world boss in Farside. I was playing my Dominion Esper, Krully. He was level 34 at the start of the fight… Watch the exp bar…
I knew this would happen. I had a week and a half off from work. I managed to relax. I got a lot of sleep. I was rested.
Today was the first day back. It was a short shift. Only four hours, and it’s not like much really happened.
So what did happen?
Any happy mood and sanity I may have acquired during my time off has buggered off. The stress came back fast. This is from within five minutes of hearing that nothing has changed. People are still getting screwed over. The place is still a mess. People still don’t care.
And we keep getting closer and closer to the holiday season… The time of year when people turn extra stupid, and just want want want. Customers get demanding, bitchy, and impatient.
Of course, sometimes it’s better to deal with them than the fucktarded coworkers…
I knew this would happen. I regret not quitting last month when I had a great chance to. I could have stormed out. I could have gathered the troupes and led a mass exodus to go get muffins.
But no. I stayed. Like a fucking idiot.
No, I stayed because I have no idea what else to do. I need out of there, but this town has shit for job options. I refuse to do retail if I ever get out. I have zero skills for whatever else is out there. I’m not going to be a nurse or a trucker.
I need out.
I probably will get out soon. I don’t think I’m going to last this time around. The holiday rush is going to cause too many panic attacks. The bitchy people at work are going to piss me off too much. I’m going to rage or cry, or both, while I’m at work. That sucks. It causes morons to talk to me about my attitude.
I don’t want to talk to them. Any of them. They don’t give a shit anyway. The entire company sees the employees as just more product they can push around. It’s beyond bullshit.
But hey, guess what? More people keep leaving. You know, the ones who actually work. It’ll be fun to see the place after everyone finally smartens up and just tells them to fuck off.
Hopefully I’ll get to do that soon. It may hurt my finances, but in the end… It will be totally worth it to avoid the stress, major depression, and soul crushing heartache that this job has caused.
Trying to figure out which point of view to write stuff in. First person is easy. The characters just flow when they are sharing stories. However, I have sooooo many characters. How can I choose just one to follow when there are so many good people?
A lot of back stories can come up in conversation as the “main character” explores everything. However, it hurts to make other important characters background noise.
Another option is to change which character is speaking for each chapter, or several chapters. Downside? This could be too confusing to people. It wouldn’t really be a full novel, but a collection of short stories that all blend together. People don’t have a big enough attention span for all of them. (Just look how confused people get with Game of Thrones…)
I need help narrowing down the format. Also, I know how I’m opening the overall story. I know where it’s starting. What scene it is. Who is the focus. But… It’s not my “main” character. She’s the focus of a lot of things, and an important part to the story. I feel like I need to write her story first, because if I don’t, it will seem like the other guy is the main. People will get annoyed if they are “tricked” into thinking he is the focus of the story when he’s not… I’m not sure if I want an established history (i.e novel) for her, or to let her history come out as the other guy learns it.
I feel like I’m in Labyrinth. I’m hunting for the right path, and keep stumbling upon more and more wonderful characters. I don’t want to leave any of them behind, but I still need to know.
So this has been a horrible month. There have been a lot of frustrations, worries, and anger. I almost quit my job, and I’m still not sure if I’ll be sticking around for their bullshit for much longer. Each day, even when I’m not there, I hear a very loud voice in my head telling me to give up and quit. That place is causing health issues. So much stress has built up over time, and it keeps getting worse.
I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of being stressed out all the time. I’m sick of worrying about everything. I hate not feeling capable of doing anything. If I quit, where do I go? Another shitty job?
I had a few days off this week. I was hoping that I could recover a bit. The world said no.
I am unable to relax. I can’t be happy for more than an hour at a time. Even when I try to do things that should make me happy, it doesn’t work. I get pissed off instead.
What are you supposed to do when you are angry all the time?
Most would lash out. Most would act. Me? I retreat. It all internalizes, and I’m left with no outlet. No one hears the thoughts in my head. They echo in there with sad cries, constantly searching for a way out. There is no escape.
Tiny things become vastly irritating. Today I saw someone use “don’t be a little girl” as an insult. That has now killed my day. My brain processes things at an alarming rate sometimes, and by the time I respond, I’m already a hundred steps further in the conversation. I’ve thought about it. I’ve analyzed it. I’ve reacted.
The fact that I’ve gone over everything so fast, and have formed my opinion already, just makes my reaction seem odd to people. I’m annoyed. I’m angry for no reason. No. There are, in fact, plenty of fucking reasons. You just didn’t hear them. You heard the end result, and I’m now further irritated that you don’t know why I’m acting this way. I could explain, but why bother? You’ve stopped listening to me anyway.
The comment that brought me down today is directly related to me being more aware of social attitudes toward gender. I can’t stand people who use “being a girl” as an insult. You further communicate that being female is weak. That being a girl is a bad thing. That bugs me. A lot. I’ve posted about it before. This kind of relates to work in a way. The store recently remodeled the infant/toddler section. Boy and girl clothes are now separated. So, boys get blues, browns, and greens. Lots of monster images, and trucks.
What do girls get? Pink. Fluffy things. Oh, and more pink.
Separating this stuff is telling all those little kids who come shopping with their parents that they are supposed to be one thing. Say there was a little girl who liked Transformers… She’ll be told no, you can’t get that. That’s a boy shirt.
Same goes for boys. Like Dora? Nope. You don’t get to have that. It’s for girls.
Oh, and I asked about why this stupid remodel had to happen in the first place. I was told that it was not actually to promote baby sales. It’s to “Keep mothers in the store longer because they spend more money.”
How extra sexist of you. What does this promote? It promotes the idea that fathers don’t get or need to shop. That shopping is for women only. Bull. Fucking. Shit. How dare you scare away new fathers. They should feel just as comfortable shopping for their kids too.
This is why comments like “don’t be a little girl” piss me off so damn much. You aren’t just insulting women. You are insulting men too, by stating that they aren’t allowed to feel emotion or pain.
This blog has gotten a bit long now. It’s obviously very ranty. I don’t really care at this point. If you’ve actually read the whole thing… Kudos to you. I think I need some booze now.
I hate the fact that anger motivates most of my posts. Today is yet another case of that…
I almost quit today. I’ve dealt with so much shit at work, and today was the closest I’ve ever been to quitting.
A boss at work… Yes, a boss. It’s kind of like Office Space. Too many bosses… The boss above my boss is a complete and total fucking waste of everything. He feels the need to be in charge of everything around him, including teams that other people are in charge of. He demands attention, respect, and obedience, but yet does not offer any in return. He treats people like children, and presents the most sickeningly fake cheery attitude at all times.
Today I was harassed by this asshole.
He did not like my two word response to him after asking a question. No, it was not “Fuck you.” It should have been…
He simply asked how things were going. I said “It’s going.” and proceeded to continue working. Work is in shambles. The place is a mess, we are understaffed, things are changing (and it was NOT prepared properly), and we are so behind in our workload that it is absolutely astounding.
What? I didn’t spend twenty minutes pretending I’m having fun, and asking how you were doing? Sorry… Not my job.
After this minor annoyance, he felt the need to constantly get in my way and demand that we go “have a chat”. No. I’m busy. I have a lot of shit to do. Don’t waste my time.
The fact that he would not leave me alone just infuriated me. Now, I refuse to go sit in a room alone with him. I do not trust him. He creates a toxic work environment for everyone. I’ve heard plenty of stories lately where he says horrible things to people in those little “chats”. I got so pissed at him that I walked away.
So what did he do? Continues to demand a little waste of a talk, and got someone, who has no part in our team, and who absolutely won’t stand up for anyone else, to participate. Scratch that. Participate means that there would have been interaction. He just stood there like a fucktard and tuned everything out.
2 versus 1. I had no help. No backup. This is bullshit.
You want my attitude to be better? Show some fucking respect to people. Hire more people so we have enough to actually do the fucking work. Prepare big projects properly. Stop fucking everything up and blaming it on everyone else. How are we supposed to have a positive attitude when everything is complete and total shit?
HR heard about it. HR probably still won’t do anything about it. I’ll still get shit for my “bad attitude”.
I’ll probably be quitting or be fired by the end of this month. I can’t deal with that asshole anymore.
I don’t really have a lot to talk about today. It’s been a rather zombie braaaaaaiiiiins sort of day. I could easily rant about work, but meh. Same shit, same stupid people.
Here’s something new…
<insert dramatic music>
I’m going to look for lipstick this week.
<wait for audience gasp and surprise/horror reactions>
For those who know me, you undoubtedly know how fucked up that statement is. I don’t wear makeup. I do actually have a few things, which are hidden.
Why? Because I grew up thinking it was a bad thing to wear that shit. Anytime I tried out something, I was laughed at. People looked at me weird. It was like one of the worst things I could have done apparently.
I blame this on being a tomboy. I wasn’t “allowed” to do girly things according to other people. So, for years and years, I avoided the shit.
Honestly, I’m ok with that. I really have no desire to slather on layers of crap in the morning. It’s a waste of time. Plus, I’m very much into wysiwyg style. What you see is what you get. I don’t do the fake smile, or fake being friendly, or interested… It makes me nauseous.
So… Why am I getting lipstick?
It’s for a costume. Outfit really… This is for a party that I am “bartending” at. My friend and I will be sharing our Drunken Alchemy drinks there. We have “characters” to portray. The Alchemists. So, naturally, they need outfits.
Now, that’s where the lipstick comes into play. My brain rationalizes the purchase because it is for a costume. It’s for a party. Parties mean you get to dress up. It’s still kind of sad that I still feel guilty for wanting to get it. Like it’s something I still shouldn’t have because it’s too weird for me. Bleh.
In other non self depressing news… I’m getting a new tattoo!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!
Still gotta wait a while, but it’s now less than two weeks away. I will definitely get pictures and post them.
If I’m feeling up to it, I’ll post pictures from the party too. (Most of those will probably end up on Drunken Alchemy though.)
We start off so small
We’re told to dream
We’re told to live
To create, and never stop
Live my life
Experience all it has to give
Possibilities are easy to grasp
Everything can be within reach
All you have to do is try
But only my way
Who you are
Is not who you should be
Why don’t you
Want the same thing as me
You told me to dream
But you ripped them away
You told me to live
But you stripped my soul away
Now I’ve become…
Numb to it all
I’ve lost myself
We’ve become numb
To who we are
We’ve become numb
To who we could be
Who you are
Is not what I should be
Who am I
I’ve lost sight of me
Don’t dream at all
Live life fully
But so empty
I’ve become so numb
My dreams are gone
I’ve become so lost
Don’t know who I am
I was once
I want to dream again…
There hasn’t been a lot going on lately. Well, in real life. In my head? Well, all hell has broken loose.
For once, that’s in a good way.
I’m talking about vamps. My vamps. The ones I have yet to write about. There are always at least a few awake at any given point of the day or night.
This is a writer’s curse. Even when you aren’t working on something, you are still working on it.
The other day, I almost broke down in tears. I was listening to random songs and something made a character really depressed. It is then my job to figure out why. What caused this sudden mood swing? Why did he react the way he did? What happened to him in his past?
Tiny things like that can cause great and horrible things. It’s great because I can dive into characters and storylines to figure out deeper details. Downside? It causes me to delay actually writing anything because I just sit around thinking about all these little details that may or may not ever come out in the actual story.
I need focus.
I need my starting point, which I technically have. I know where I’m starting the story, but I still have trouble actually writing the words. The introduction is key. If it doesn’t grab a reader, then what’s the point of continuing to read?
I have several books like that. Ones that took forever to get going. Most of those are still on my shelf, unread and collecting dust.
I honestly spend too much time thinking about potential problems with my series versus actually sitting down and writing anything. I mean, what if my writing sucks? What if it’s boring? What if people think it’s too cliche? What if I can’t even get anyone to buy it? If it does become a hit, would people write horrible fanfic?
Fanfic. Ick. I hate that shit. I really can’t even read anything like that. I mean, it’s one thing to like a story and create a character within that universe. Use the setting. It’s like playing D&D. However, the second you start using other people’s characters and changing important details about them for your own fucked up fantasies? Yeah, fuck you. That is the kind of thing that pisses me off.
I would be beyond pissed if anyone ever did that with my characters. They are mine. Hell, sometimes they even get pissed off if the actor I have them cast as is getting shit on in a movie. They don’t like it. Neither do I.
My characters are precious. They are all a part of me. Each and every one.
Don’t fuck with me.
And now I will end this sudden rant. Especially since a few of my characters want to go howl at the full moon.
The other day I went to a tee ball game. Obviously, I’m not into sports. Also, I’m not really one for hanging out with a bunch of little kids… But hey. We went to see our nephew play. (He hit his first ball from a throw vs the tee during a game, so yay him!)
All in all, it wasn’t a bad night out. Kind of entertaining to see all the little kids (maybe 3-5 years old) trying to play. Some were paying attention. Others, were not… Whenever a ball was hit, pretty much the entire team would swarm and try to get it. Pretty comical.
Game aside, there was one thing that I noticed.
Gender was not an issue.
All the teams are coed. Boys and girls. Now, kudos to the coaches for showing them how to play and not treating anyone differently. Granted, this is tee ball, and modern times. Games for little kids are all about everyone getting the same amount of praise and play time. No one feels bad, everyone is a winner.
I’m not saying I particularly agree with that kind of thing, but for toddlers… Totally fine. They have no idea what is going on anyway, they just want to play. There is no need to keep score, and they don’t. Everyone gets to bat, everyone gets to score. It’s all about having fun and learning some skills and teamwork. Again, great for toddlers. Kind of damaging for older kids though… If you constantly get praised for everything you do when growing up, you never learn to try. Expecting that you are perfect at everything can really fuck up a person when they are faced with real challenges.
But I digress… As usual…
Ahem. Ok, back to the main point. These kids were having fun. Competitive nature was not in them. I’d see one run to first base, and then start playing with the kid from the opposite team there while they waited for the next batter. It was refreshing. They didn’t care that they were on different teams. It was just, hey, you’re a kid, I’m a kid. Let’s play! Hell, at one point, there were two little boys who were in a tickle fight.
These kinds of things get lost as we get older. Reckless abandon. Enjoying simple things. Not judging others…
It kind of made me sad. I mean, there is so much sexism, hatred, and competitive loathing in society. It sucks to know that kids will grow up and be taught this.
Cuz seriously. We are not born with all that bullshit. It’s taught. Society teaches us how we are supposed to behave toward one another, and if you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I’ve been noticing this shit a lot more.
I think I’ve become more fascinated by things like that. Seeing how people work, what motivates them, why they act the way that they do. Social interaction and observation has now become daily research. It helps me with my story. Characters pop up all the time, and it’s fun to dive into the details. No matter how big or small. There is always a reason there.
Fun fact of the day: I learned that a new character has a tiny ladybug tattoo on his ankle. He apparently lost a bet. Now I get to dive further and find out what the bet was, and why it had to be a ladybug.
Today my new Chromebook arrived. I’m in testing mode. Currently, I’m using it to write up a post that will end up on my website. (If you are reading this, then apparently I finished writing and actually did post it… Huzzah.)
So far, so good. I’m liking the keyboard. It has soft clicks. It may sound odd, but it’s kind of relaxing. That’s a very minor bonus. This thing is specifically for writing. I’ll be using it to organize my notes on my vampire story, and whatever other stories, poems, and bloggy things I may write.
I’ve got a lot of transferring to do, and I’m going to have to customize a few things. Gotta make this my writing computer.
It’s exciting to have something that is easy to move around. This thing is super light. I’ll be able to sit wherever and (hopefully) focus on my projects. So yay.
Pretty sure I need to get a supply of Rockstar soon. Gotta get this damn novel started!!
Added a chainmail page with some older pics of stuff I’ve made. Kinda hoping to start making more stuff too.
Today I finally rented Burning Blue.
Let me just start by saying: I bawled my eyes out.
Ok, so I may be a bit emotional this week anyway… Probably not the best of times to be watching something that is full of pent up emotions. I kind of needed it though. For one, sometimes you just need that release. You just have to cry. You need to just let it all out and move on. For two, I can actually relate to this movie in a way.
It’s a good one. Seriously, you should go watch it. You can rent it through iTunes and watch it from the comfort of your own home. (Where you can cry as ugly as you want to…) The cast was great. Everyone did an awesome job, and the main two actors shined. Their portrayal was sweet and caused lots of “awww” and “I want to hug” responses.
So, what is this movie about? Well…
“Drawn from the author’s own life, BURNING BLUE explores the concepts of love, friendship and honor in the U.S. Navy when a routine accident investigation turns into a modern-day Witch Hunt. Following two fatal mishaps involving F-18 jets aboard an aircraft carrier a government agent is placed aboard the ship to determine what may be at the root of these accidents. His mission abruptly changes course when a young sailor reports seeing one of the fleets’ top-ranking fighter pilots in a gay club. The suspected aviator and three of his squadron mates and their spouses become the subjects of a deadly investigation entangling them in a web of jealousy and deceit changing their lives forever.”
That is directly from the website: http://www.burningbluefilm.com/ I figured I wouldn’t try to sum it up right now. Might as well let the official blurb say it properly. (Remember, I’m emotional. A summary from me might not end up too coherent.)
Here’s the trailer too:
So, there it is. An investigation gets derailed upon hints at a gay relationship. Somehow, two guys getting involved is massively more important and damaging to the Navy than anything else that could possibly happen. As that official summary stated, it is from the author’s own life. This is personal experience. It’s a story that a lot of people are scared to share.
This is how I can relate.
I obviously don’t work in the Navy. Also, I’m not a guy.
However, I’m bisexual.
…and I don’t really tell most people I meet. Hell, I work retail. Retail. It sucks. Even though there are a few who are “out” at work, I still fear that I’ll get shit for it if I mention it. Bisexuality is usually seen as one of two things. You are either “going through a phase” or “you’re just a slut”. /sigh
Now, I know I’ve posted things about it before. I’m getting better at that. Though, I think it’s still because of a sense of anonymity and the fact that most of my coworkers (and even family) don’t read my blog.
I’m not saying it needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Cuz really, it’s none of anyone’s fucking business. The only one who needs to really know about my sexuality is my husband. (Before you ask, yes, duh, he knows.) However, at the same time, I shouldn’t be scared to hide it from people I don’t even hang out with or know.
This is the issue. Well, one of them. There are a lot of judgmental people at work. Hell, in the town I live in. I don’t care about their opinion. I really don’t, but I also don’t want to deal with them. I don’t need to be talked about only because of one little detail. When people around here learn that someone is gay, they immediately gossip about it, and say “Oh, that explains everything.” It’s like being gay explains away every detail that they don’t like about a person. It’s frustrating, and completely bullshit.
I know how the gay community views bisexuality too. It’s either seen as “cheating” or “you’re just faking”. Again, bullshit. I can base this on personal experience too. I once had a gay friend say: “I won’t rest until you are fully gay.”
He seriously said that. To my face. As if my sexuality wasn’t “good enough” to be considered part of his community. That hurt. Someone who was so sure of his own sexuality looked down on me for mine. How is that different than a straight person looking down on a gay person? Oh, right, it’s not. It’s mean, horrible, and uncalled for.
Rambling aside, I still encourage you to go watch Burning Blue. It’s a wonderful film. It doesn’t focus on sex. It’s two people, falling in love.
That is beauty.