Black Desert Screenshots

So, I’ve been playing a lot of Black Desert. This game has so much to do, and it’s alt friendly, which is fantastic for me.

I’m not going to go too in depth right now, but I will show you some screenshots. They have a wonderful UI feature that allows you to shift your camera, add filters, and change the focus of your shot. It’s so cool!


I’m still alive

So, my website is back up and running again.

Guess what? I had a rant all ready to go while I got things updated.

So, where is the rant? I guess it fucked off. Why? Well, first I bawled my eyes out. I had a decent cry, which I haven’t had in a while. It was needed. I bottle up so much emotion all of the time, and it just needs to come out in tears every once in a while. It’s good for me.

Music is also good for me. I need it. Listening to music when I’m in a horrible state of mind can help release the stress of it all. It gives me a soundtrack to my darkest moments.

Thing is, the foreboding doom and raging lyrics lifts my spirits. I feel better now.

These two helped to improve my mood greatly. Go check out their stuff.

Meg Myers

Florence & The Machine


So… My hosting needs to be renewed and I don’t have the money for it. For the whole three of you who read my blog, you can probably expect that it’s not going to be up much longer.

I know I don’t post often enough on here or my other site, but this is still going to be a bit sad for me. I use my site to vent and just put shit out there.

I guess for a while, I’ll just be posting weird little blurbs on Twitter. (I really dislike using Facebook nowadays.)

Boo for money issues. Boo for stress. Boo for everything.


Gaming for Good – Worldbuilders Fundraiser

Ok, so, I’ve written about Worldbuilders at the QueueTimes site before. I enjoy the charity, and really like the organization that they raise money for. (Heifer International)

I donated last year, and this year I want to do a bit more. I need a little help though, cuz I don’t have more to give myself.

I am going to try to stream a lot this next week. I have plans for doing a fresh ARK character and perhaps with each donation I will actually tame a dinosaur to help make my game life easier.

So, if you could please head on over to my Gaming for Good page and check things out, that would be awesome.


I tried…

Earlier today I had thought about writing up a post about the latest weird dream. It was kind of cool actually.

As you can see, I didn’t do that. Instead, I have to rant a bit.

Now, I made the bad decision of reading a comment to something I wrote on another website. I know that I shouldn’t do this. It’s bad. It causes drama. I did it anyway.

The problem wasn’t really the content so much as the tone. It started off rude, which the comment author wanted to do (he told me this later).

What the everliving fuck?

Here’s the thing. It’s entirely possible to disagree with someone without being rude. If you want to add information that I may have missed when writing an article, fine. Go for it.¬†However, you can express dissatisfaction without being a dick about it.

This is obviously a major, and sadly, normal thing on the internet. What’s worse is that it feels normal for my offline life too.

I’m constantly having people react in poor ways because they don’t fully understand my actions or words. When I try to explain it, they just tell me “No, don’t do that.” It’s like having an opinion or trying to stand up for myself is the worst thing that I could do.

I can get over one comment. Whatever.

I can’t, however, get over the years of depression and anxiety that make it one more thing to top the pile of moments over the years that have made me feel exactly the same way. This is a huge problem for me. Bad things happen, I feel like shit, and all of those feelings just get bottled up and stored for later.

Recent events have made me very fragile. I’m at a breaking point. I’ve been trying to push myself to get out there more and do things. This includes writing more, which is something I’m trying to reignite the passion for.

People deliberately being rude in response to that just kills me. It’s not like they know me, or understand my situation. Still, they don’t care. Not caring how you treat other people, especially when you have no idea who they are, is sickening.

As much as I want to just hide again, I’m going to try not to. I don’t want to let other people make me feel like shit anymore. I do that enough myself.

Dream Commentary

So my dream last night was an odd kind of commentary on my life. It was one of those dreams that left me shaky and wanting to cry as I woke up. I’m sure it’s going to effect me for the rest of my day.

From what I can remember, it started off as another school oriented one. Something about me, or the woman I kept seeing, being back in college and trying to finish classes. I’ve had these dreams before. It’s always about having to figure out how to get back via whatever transportation, and having issues. Also, usually in these types of dreams, I can’t seem to ever stick to the plan and actually attend classes. I give up, and cause more problems.

That was just the beginning. I remember some point of not having been to classes in a few days. I felt split and torn. I had things in several places, and didn’t feel whole. There was some sort of attempt to make it back to my parents house.

Another reoccurring dream or theme is cars for me. Mainly that I’m trying to drive and either the brakes never work or I lose control of the car. This was definitely brought in again last night. I’m not even sure how I truly ended up travelling, but I managed to get back to my parents house. I walked up to the door, suddenly realizing that I didn’t have keys.

I knew how impulsive I had just been, and now I was stuck. It didn’t look like my parents were home, but I checked the door anyway. It was unlocked. I went in, and headed to my old room. Apparently I had stuff there. My computer was set up. It was still logged into to games that I had played when I apparently left the house last time. It had probably been weeks.

I closed programs, preparing to restart the computer. There was a TV in the room too. It switched over to some movie. I remember feeling like this movie was haunting me. I felt like I had seen it repeat hundreds of times.

It started as a weird battle sequence. People fighting to get out of something. The movie would then evolve to follow around one of the characters. It was a girl who was suicidal. She had a few guys trying to involve her in some scheme. She hated it, and didn’t join. There were teachers who bugged her. They seemed to be trying to help, but she told them to fuck off. They were a little too invasive and pushy.

That whole part, the movie, seemed like a weird replay of me. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and constantly pushing people away who might want to help. There are so many times where I just want to hide with my own bullshit thoughts and not be bothered. Sometimes I think I’m happy being miserable.

The movie shifted becoming half and half. I was watching the girl, but also being the girl. I remember walking past people, annoyed at them playing around. I also saw my sister. She was sitting with a bunch of children and trying to tell them stories and playing. I hated it. I was jealous.

I know that part stems from reality. I’ve always seen my sister as someone I can’t be like. Normal, social, capable.

I hate that my dream just shoved a lot of my issues right in my face. I know that I need to deal with them, but having a fucked up dream where nothing actually harms me but myself is too close to reality. It leaves me feeling more fucked up.

So yeah, now that I’ve rambled about that… It’s time to take some drugs.

NaNoWriMo 2015

I have decided to try NaNoWriMo again. This is the yearly writing event that begins in November. It’s a month long challenge to write 50,000 words. The goal is to write a novel in one month. The site itself is very cool. You can keep track of your daily writing progress and see how much you write each day.

Overall, the daily tracker is very cool. It is actually very helpful and encouraging. Being able to see how much farther you get in a day is absolutely awesome when you make a huge leap.

So yeah, I’m going to try this again. Last year I managed to get over 17,000 words. I attempted to start my vampire series. I did manage to get about sixty pages written, and that was a huge accomplishment. I’m sure if I go back and read it all now, I’m going to hate every word of it. I’m not sure if the point of view is the right one for my writing style.

I started it as a third person point of view since there are so many characters to deal with. There are over two hundred and fifty characters, a number which keeps growing every month it seems. I love each character. They all have fascinating stories to tell.

Last year, however, was the challenge to just start it. Just start writing and see how things go. I learned that I can actually sit down and write big chunks of story. It might not be great, but I did it. I got myself to sit and write something. I also learned that I am better at a first person point of view. The words just seem to flow faster that way.

So that is the goal of this year. I am going to write a story. Several stories actually. It will be more of a collection of stories versus a complete novel. The nice thing of this is that I will be able to show off an aspect of my world through the eyes of several characters. It’s going to be difficult, because I always have trouble focusing on one character for too long.

Still, if I can manage to write even one of those stories and have a completed story, then I may actually be able to post it somewhere. Most likely it will be on Amazon. I do like the fact that you can sell short stories as eBooks. I can use them as little tester stories. Put them out there and see if anyone enjoys them.

Hell, if I can get into the habit of writing, and produce five 10,000 word stories, then I’ll reach the NaNoWriMo goal. Five stories. Five characters. I have plenty of talkers, so I just need to shut up and listen.

That’s my biggest issue with writing. It’s hard to shut up my own thoughts. I definitely have all the same writer fears that even famous authors have. But hey, I’m working on that. I’m working on a lot of things.

Now I just have to fucking work on my novels. As I’ve stated before, I will definitely have a Dragonlance sized amount of novels if I actually get around to writing all of these stories.

So, what am I doing? I’m actually sharing things. I wrote a short story last year during NaNoWriMo. I finished it up a while back, and actually *gasp* let people read it.

The shocker? People didn’t hate it.

That’s encouraging. I mean, I know that there are a ton of books out there. People are constantly publishing things, and with the whole ebook thing, that means that anyone and everyone can be a writer and get their stuff out there.

I just have to remind myself. There are worse things out there…

It’s kind of mean, but I feel like I have to be. I feel like I need to put myself above all of the other crap out there, and actually believe that I can write well. My grammar and such may not be the best, but I’m still miles ahead of some stuff that I’ve read online.

So, I’m playing around with ideas. I have a goal. I have research to do too. My supernatural world is going to be interweaved with actual world history, so I need to not sound like an idiot.

This is going to require a lot of coffee. I’m sure I’m going to procrastinate on a lot of the actual writing. It’s just what we do. I began writing today and only got three paragraphs in before I got distracted by looking up maps of America in the 1800s.


This is going to take a while.
But hey, at least in trying to write this stuff, I’ll be learning. There are plenty of things that I’ve let slip out of my mind over the years. History is definitely one of them. So, in order to make my vampires sound more realistic (at least in some ways), I will be learning about so many cultures, folklore, and human history.

I’m going to work on the stories, but I’m also going to attempt to get back to blogging at least a few times a week. So, here’s hoping.

Write more.

Slaughter and things: Diablo 3 and hair dye

Wildstar goes Free to Play on September 29th. That’s only a few days away now. I have several characters that I want to get leveled up. First off is a granok engineer. I made one on the PTR/Beta because that class was the most difficult for me to get into. However, my granok dude was pretty fun. They made changes to skills and such that renewed my interest in the class.

So, this guy is remade on live and will be the newest Exile to level up.

Nygel Lodestone
‘Ey, you wanna see some pretty rocks? I got big ones for ya…

Next up will be Dominion side. I had an idea for a housing plot that ended up with me deleting four characters on Dom side so I could remake them. This is the result…

The Winnebago crew

Now, I’m waiting to level all of them because after next Tuesday, I’ll have bonus exp due to being subscribed. That means faster leveling.

In the meantime, I’ve gotten back into Diablo 3. I decided to do the seasonal thing again, and managed to get a witch doctor up to 70 in a few days. I now have this little guy.


I also got back into streaming. (Pst, go follow my husband and I at K, thanks.) I’m not on a real schedule yet, but I’m trying to get myself to do that. Again. For the zillionth time.

At least I have one guy who does come back to hang out and chat while I’m streaming. That’s still more fun than having no one watching.

In other news, I dyed my hair again. More red. I was kinda half assed about it, so we’ll see how it turns out. It should be bad, but meh. Yay red.


ARK: Game of Dinos

I recently acquired ARK: Survival Evolved. (Games are my husband’s version of flowers, which I am soooo ok with.)

So, I have two games going. One is my solo campaign, and the other is my husband and I toughing it out on a private server. Both games have been fun, if not a bit frustrating. However, that’s actually kinda cool. There is a challenge.

So, my solo campaign (I say campaign because my brain is stuck on VtM and D&D) is going decently. It’s had a few setbacks, but that’s the game. Until you level up a bit and establish a safe base, you kinda get screwed. A lot.

There are lots of dinosaurs out there that like to eat you. Also, bugs. Those fucking bugs… The sound of those bugs makes me more nervous than raptors or a T-Rex. At early levels, those things are the devil.

Anyway, on my solo campaign I wanted to tame something. The easiest thing to tame is a dodo. Are they useful? Nope. Are they cute? Kinda. Did I want them? Yes.

So, I tamed two. A male and a female. They get boosted if they are near a mate. So, here’s a pic of Mr. and Mrs. Flibbles.


May they rest in peace…

Yes. My stupid dodos got eaten by a scorpion while I was away from my base and chopping down trees. I didn’t get back in time to save them. I did avenge them and killed the fucking scorpion. It sucked though.

I also managed to tame a parasaur. I made a saddle for it and got to ride it around for a while. I went exploring, but… Son of a fucking fuck… On my way back, I got attacked by soooo much shit, and died. My dinosaur was eaten. I never recovered my corpse. I wasn’t too sad about that dino, but I was definitely sad about all the supplies I had gotten during my exploring time. So much stuff was lost.

This is something that you have to get used to in that game. You can lose stuff. Building supplies, gear, and tamed dinosaurs. It makes you play more carefully.

Now, in my campaign with my husband, we’ve established two bases. We have our main base by a nice waterfall. So far, we’ve tamed 4 dilos, 2 raptors, 2 trikes, 2 stegos, a scorpion, and pteranodon.

Out of all of them, my favorite was this guy…


His feathers were pink so I named him Floyd. Note the glasses. It’s something you can add to the saddles, and it makes dinosaurs awesome.

So yeah, I really liked this little guy. I was able to explore, and either kill things or run away fast. A few nights ago, I took him out cuz I wanted to tame a pteranodon. Since you can store stuff on your dinos, he was carrying a bunch of meat for taming. I found one, hopped off and knocked it out. Went back to Floyd to bring him closer so I could get the meat transfered, and he fucking ate the pteranodon when I jumped off. Damnit Floyd! Bad raptor!


So, since it was starting to get dark, I went to return to base. Thought I’d take advantage of a dino fight nearby, but… Again. Floyd ran in when I hopped off.

I almost cried when he died.

Actually, when he died, I might have woken up my husband by shouting “FUCK!”. I was pissed. It was one of those accidental things. I hopped off my dino when I didn’t mean to, and then he went in attacking. A fucking T-Rex. A T-Rex that was attacking a bronto. So… I couldn’t even get close to Floyd to hop back on and get him out of there cuz the fucking bronto tail kept knocking me back as it defended itself.

So, there I am fuming over the loss of my favorite dinosaur. Instead of quitting the game, I soldiered on. I wanted that fucking flying dino.

I ran out a ways on the coast in search of more. I finally found one, knocked it out, and started the taming process. It takes a while. I was more than halfway through it, and suddenly there’s a stupid little dilo trying to eat my dino. I tried to fight it off, only to kill the dino I was trying to tame. Motherfucking fuck.


So, that sucked. I had seen some across the water on a little peninsula, so I decided to swim across. It was night. Suddenly I was getting eaten.


Fucking crocodile…

Soooo, I ran back and by some miracle was able to find my corpse in the water. I also managed to find another pteranodon to try to tame. Knocked it out, started taming, and suddenly spotted the damn crocodile. It was across the water on the shore. Guh.

But… It was stuck on a tree! It couldn’t move! This bug happens a lot in that game. It’s still technically an early access¬†game after all. Still, that was good for me. I didn’t have to worry about it. I managed to tame my flying dino and get back to base.

I quit after that. It was a horrible night. I may have tamed a dino I wanted, but… Floyd. He’ll be missed.

This is one of the few times that a game has been frustratingly fun. Sure, it can piss me off, but I can actually get over it. (Note: I’m not sure if it’s the game, or the new drugs I’m on. If it’s the drugs, then yay! They work!) If I can manage to remember to do it, I might do a survival journal series here.

For now though, I need to go pass out.

Book stuff

I’m betting you think this is about the book I’m supposed to be writing… Nope. This is just a simple post to brag that I finished reading a book.

That’s pretty sad. For multiple reasons.

For one, I used to read a ton when I was little. I loved it. I liked stories. I liked following characters through series. It was great.

Then… School happened. Particularly English classes. They ruined the joy of reading for me. It’s rough considering how when I was in high school I got the “I want to be a writer” urge. I wanted to share my own stories, but I fucking hated reading.

Those classes forced books on us. Books that are considered classics. I hated just about every one of them. They were dry, long winded, and full of irritating characters that I just couldn’t identify with at all.

I hate that school killed my desire to do a lot of things. I hate even more that the effect has lasted for years after. Books and art were two of my favorite things before, and the joy of both were dredged through the dirt, beaten down by horrible novels and trashed by horrible teachers.

So, this is why I am writing now. Well, blogging. I finished a complete book. It is an accomplishment for me, as sad and pathetic as that sounds. Still, I am a master of starting to read a novel, getting a few chapters in, and then completely forgetting that I have the book. When I finally remember, I have to start all over because I’ve forgotten what was going on. Rinse, repeat x 100.

As you may know (if you even remotely read my ranty blog here), I am trying to get better at writing. Not just the overall style, but pace too. As in, actually sitting my ass down and writing something. Writing anything. It gets me working.

Backstory aside, the book that I managed to read was A Kiss of Shadows by Laurel K Hamilton.

Alright, so here’s the thing… For one, I got the book super cheap. It was part of the haul when I nabbed several books at 90% off when a bookstore in town closed a few years ago. I recognized the author.

Now, this is the first time I’ve read any of her writing. I had recognized the name because a while back I did some half assed research into vampire books and what was currently out there. You know, what people were reading other than fucking sparkle ass teen drama. Her name came up, and when I saw some of her books on the shelf, I grabbed them.

For one, yes, I do need to read more. I need to be doing something other than playing video games all fucking day long. For two, like I said, it’s research.

The story that I need to write is a supernatural story, and it also contains a lot of sex. (Vampires and sex. Duh.) So, since I have never actually written a story containing erotic scenes, I figured that I would finally buckle down and read a book like that. I know when I was younger that I avoided the “trashy novels” like the plague. I like fantasy, but not the “Omg, he’s so dreamy and will whisk me away like a goddess” kind of fantasy. Just… Ugh.

I will say this right now. My story might be supernatural, but relationships are based in reality. There is no Disneyfied romance here. Characters don’t fall irrationally in love at first glance and get married within two seconds, living happily ever after. Fuck that. That’s boring and gross. My characters have issues. Their relationships require work.

Still, I wasn’t sure how to write the sex scenes. I would say that I’m not completely sure, but after reading her book, I’ve gotten a bit of insight as to what I would do.

Now, the book itself was… Odd. I realize that this was one of her early works, and I’m kinda hoping that she has improved since then. Honestly, the second I was done reading it, I just wanted to edit the shit out of it.

There was so much repetitive phrasing and redundancy that some chapters were difficult to trudge through. The story seemed chaotic, and sometimes there were scenes put in that were odd fillers rather than useful points.

The sex scenes? Also a bit confusing at times, due to the fact that she tried to give them a supernatural twist. Including powers and trying to describe weird things during a sex scene made it awkward.

I also wasn’t a fan of the way she dismissed rape as a joke. One of the early sex scenes was basically a magically drugged rape scene. I can understand using it to denote who the bad guy is, and why things are wrong, but shortly after the main character hopped into bed with someone else. Just… No. I realize that people deal with things in different ways, and it was even stated by the character herself that she didn’t deal with it the way everyone thought she should have. Still, it didn’t make it less fucked up and weird. It was like “Hey, my friend was raped. I’ll sleep with her to make her feel better.” Um, what the fuck??

Also, towards the end of the book, the last sex scene truly bothered me. Not because it was rough sex, but because of the dialogue preceding it. A character was hesitant to sleep with the main character because he didn’t feel safe. He didn’t trust himself to not just ravage her. Now after 800 years of no sex, it’s understandable that you want to just fuck the shit out of someone when you finally get the chance. However, the whole “It’s ok. You can do what you want. You can’t rape the willing.” statement pissed me off.

I fucking hate that phrase. Mainly because I’ve been through it. There is a certain line that is always there. You may allow things to happen, but when someone crosses the line, and you tell them no… And they keep going? Yeah, that’s rape. That stupid phrase gives people the idea that if you say once yes, that you’ll always say yes.

So yeah, that being the “finisher” scene did not sit well with me.

Overall, I give the book a meh. There were parts that I kind of enjoyed and parts that irritated me, but the ending left me completely unsatisfied. It was rushed, and had a wrap up chapter that just told you about everyone until The End. Book over. Just… what?

It just seemed like she didn’t know how to end the novel, so she did a recap of everything. It’s like the end of a comedy film where they tell you what happened to each character. It was odd and didn’t actually bring closure to the novel.

So, what did I learn? Well, I know that I would phrase things differently. I can’t stand sentences that are too repetitive. I know what words I wouldn’t use to describe anatomy. I know that reading this book actually made me feel better about my writing.

I’m not saying that I’m the best. Far from it. However, after reading a book like this, I feel better. I know that there are even worse ones out there, and they are still successful. So maybe if I actually start writing this fucking story out, then people might be ok with it. I will not expect a huge draw, but even if a few people read it and actually want more, then I will consider it a success.

For now though, blogs are happening. I’m working on posting more often. I know I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again. Still, this is now 1317 more words than I had written yesterday.