Book stuff

I’m betting you think this is about the book I’m supposed to be writing… Nope. This is just a simple post to brag that I finished reading a book.

That’s pretty sad. For multiple reasons.

For one, I used to read a ton when I was little. I loved it. I liked stories. I liked following characters through series. It was great.

Then… School happened. Particularly English classes. They ruined the joy of reading for me. It’s rough considering how when I was in high school I got the “I want to be a writer” urge. I wanted to share my own stories, but I fucking hated reading.

Those classes forced books on us. Books that are considered classics. I hated just about every one of them. They were dry, long winded, and full of irritating characters that I just couldn’t identify with at all.

I hate that school killed my desire to do a lot of things. I hate even more that the effect has lasted for years after. Books and art were two of my favorite things before, and the joy of both were dredged through the dirt, beaten down by horrible novels and trashed by horrible teachers.

So, this is why I am writing now. Well, blogging. I finished a complete book. It is an accomplishment for me, as sad and pathetic as that sounds. Still, I am a master of starting to read a novel, getting a few chapters in, and then completely forgetting that I have the book. When I finally remember, I have to start all over because I’ve forgotten what was going on. Rinse, repeat x 100.

As you may know (if you even remotely read my ranty blog here), I am trying to get better at writing. Not just the overall style, but pace too. As in, actually sitting my ass down and writing something. Writing anything. It gets me working.

Backstory aside, the book that I managed to read was A Kiss of Shadows by Laurel K Hamilton.

Alright, so here’s the thing… For one, I got the book super cheap. It was part of the haul when I nabbed several books at 90% off when a bookstore in town closed a few years ago. I recognized the author.

Now, this is the first time I’ve read any of her writing. I had recognized the name because a while back I did some half assed research into vampire books and what was currently out there. You know, what people were reading other than fucking sparkle ass teen drama. Her name came up, and when I saw some of her books on the shelf, I grabbed them.

For one, yes, I do need to read more. I need to be doing something other than playing video games all fucking day long. For two, like I said, it’s research.

The story that I need to write is a supernatural story, and it also contains a lot of sex. (Vampires and sex. Duh.) So, since I have never actually written a story containing erotic scenes, I figured that I would finally buckle down and read a book like that. I know when I was younger that I avoided the “trashy novels” like the plague. I like fantasy, but not the “Omg, he’s so dreamy and will whisk me away like a goddess” kind of fantasy. Just… Ugh.

I will say this right now. My story might be supernatural, but relationships are based in reality. There is no Disneyfied romance here. Characters don’t fall irrationally in love at first glance and get married within two seconds, living happily ever after. Fuck that. That’s boring and gross. My characters have issues. Their relationships require work.

Still, I wasn’t sure how to write the sex scenes. I would say that I’m not completely sure, but after reading her book, I’ve gotten a bit of insight as to what I would do.

Now, the book itself was… Odd. I realize that this was one of her early works, and I’m kinda hoping that she has improved since then. Honestly, the second I was done reading it, I just wanted to edit the shit out of it.

There was so much repetitive phrasing and redundancy that some chapters were difficult to trudge through. The story seemed chaotic, and sometimes there were scenes put in that were odd fillers rather than useful points.

The sex scenes? Also a bit confusing at times, due to the fact that she tried to give them a supernatural twist. Including powers and trying to describe weird things during a sex scene made it awkward.

I also wasn’t a fan of the way she dismissed rape as a joke. One of the early sex scenes was basically a magically drugged rape scene. I can understand using it to denote who the bad guy is, and why things are wrong, but shortly after the main character hopped into bed with someone else. Just… No. I realize that people deal with things in different ways, and it was even stated by the character herself that she didn’t deal with it the way everyone thought she should have. Still, it didn’t make it less fucked up and weird. It was like “Hey, my friend was raped. I’ll sleep with her to make her feel better.” Um, what the fuck??

Also, towards the end of the book, the last sex scene truly bothered me. Not because it was rough sex, but because of the dialogue preceding it. A character was hesitant to sleep with the main character because he didn’t feel safe. He didn’t trust himself to not just ravage her. Now after 800 years of no sex, it’s understandable that you want to just fuck the shit out of someone when you finally get the chance. However, the whole “It’s ok. You can do what you want. You can’t rape the willing.” statement pissed me off.

I fucking hate that phrase. Mainly because I’ve been through it. There is a certain line that is always there. You may allow things to happen, but when someone crosses the line, and you tell them no… And they keep going? Yeah, that’s rape. That stupid phrase gives people the idea that if you say once yes, that you’ll always say yes.

So yeah, that being the “finisher” scene did not sit well with me.

Overall, I give the book a meh. There were parts that I kind of enjoyed and parts that irritated me, but the ending left me completely unsatisfied. It was rushed, and had a wrap up chapter that just told you about everyone until The End. Book over. Just… what?

It just seemed like she didn’t know how to end the novel, so she did a recap of everything. It’s like the end of a comedy film where they tell you what happened to each character. It was odd and didn’t actually bring closure to the novel.

So, what did I learn? Well, I know that I would phrase things differently. I can’t stand sentences that are too repetitive. I know what words I wouldn’t use to describe anatomy. I know that reading this book actually made me feel better about my writing.

I’m not saying that I’m the best. Far from it. However, after reading a book like this, I feel better. I know that there are even worse ones out there, and they are still successful. So maybe if I actually start writing this fucking story out, then people might be ok with it. I will not expect a huge draw, but even if a few people read it and actually want more, then I will consider it a success.

For now though, blogs are happening. I’m working on posting more often. I know I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again. Still, this is now 1317 more words than I had written yesterday.

Game Devastation

A while back, Stephan Frost, a video game producer recently known for Wildstar, decided to do a podcast. It’s called Game Devastation.

It’s great.

I say that because it’s entertaining. It’s also educational. Uh, sometimes. When there isn’t rambling. (Ahem, Carbine folks…)

The podcast focuses on chats with developers in the gaming industry. This is surprisingly eye opening. A lot of gamers focus on the end game. What is the final result? They don’t think about how long it took to make it, or how many issues might have come up during production. Course, that could be said about anything really. Consumers consume, they do not analyze. Unfortunately, society has produced a lot of entitled people lately, and this means the demanding mentality overrides understanding.

So, go have a listen and learn something.

You can find it on Patreon and iTunes. You can also follow Frost on Twitter @StephanFrost to find out when the next podcast is up, or ask questions for his guests.

I do recommend Episodes 7, 9, and 14. But hey, go listen to all of them.

 

Housing stuffs

Status

Rabid

I’m sure I’ll work on Kaeva’s house more, but I might be working on other plots too. I have other characters to get back to and actually level. Housing gives me a little push to level them so they can actually buy some decor.

The Unari Retreat – Wildstar Housing

A while back I was checking out housing in Wildstar and saw the development of a tea house on Doom Kitty‘s plot. I mentioned that I was working on a similar idea in my esper’s house, and was then invited to take part in a community event.

Kaeva_Unari.150705.211502

Cut to a week later, and I was entered in a Bar Crawl. I worked on upgrading my house during that week, and was even frantically adding little details right before it started. I say frantic because it was the first attempt at really doing something with the house, and the first time I’ve ever entered into a community event.

My esper’s plot is the most “done” out of all of my characters. I have really bad altitis, and hop characters a lot. Kaeva (esper) is the first one that I really focused on housing with. She’s my main, and my architect. (She’s also one of the few with that style of ears. I’ve only seen two others with them in the entire year of playing…)

Kaeva Unari

Kaeva Unari – Entity

 

So, what’s the plot look like? It’s very Aurin-esque. I wanted a nice earthy theme, and put a ton of trees all around. For the plugs, I have a garden, thicket tier 4, hedge maze, and festival tier 6 on the small ones. I also have an elaborate rock garden on one of the big ones, but I’m not sure if I’ll keep it or not.

I set the music to “It’s a Jungle Out There”, which gives it a super relaxing ambiance. I will eventually build up more on the outside. As in, add more plants to fill in the gaps, put more little hangout spots around, and also hide some spots up in the trees.

The outside doesn’t look bad right now, but it’s not great. It also wasn’t the highlight of the Bar Crawl event. The house was.

So… More pics!

There are three things that I’m really proud of in this house. First off, the tables. They are made from Aurin posts and Exile domes. It took a bit of tweaking to get them to look right, and I added various sizes. Some are standing tables, others are for pairs, and then there are a couple of larger tables for groups. I think they look nice. Pillows and mushrooms provide seating for them.

The staircase is also a project that took a bit. I’d seen these type of stairs before, and can’t remember where… It’s been months since I saw it. I can’t take credit for the original idea of these. They are not mushroom caps as everyone seems to think. They are actually just bowls that you can purchase from the Housing Vendor for 10 silver a piece. Just flip them upside down and stack ‘em. Voila, stairs. The tricky part here is to make the incline smooth so you don’t get stuck. It took a while, but I managed to make these work well, and the split looks cool.

Now, the third proud moment and the true highlight of the house is up the stairs on the large flower covered dome.

During the bar crawl, I was on teamspeak with a bunch of people. It was absolutely amazing to hear when people saw what was up there. The amount of squee was overwhelming. I ended up being kind of a shitty host because I was just listening to people freaking out over that area.

So, what’s up there?

A D&D table.

Dungeons and Stemdragons: Brought to you by Protostar

The table itself isn’t a crazy feat to make. If you want to make something similar, then all you need is a simple table and the open books. Add some other grimoires for the DM, and some building block cubes for dice (Thanks for reminding me about those Chestnut!). Plushies created the party and monsters. I added some rocks and crystals for the setting, and tossed some notes and a metal divider up for the DM screen.

Like I said, it’s pretty simple. Everything is premade and just scaled down to fit. Most items can be purchased from the Housing Vendor, or made by an architect.

Still, the concept of it is what I’m proud of. I will not lie, I’ve played an rpg within an rpg before… My friend and I do it with Vampire: The Masquerade and D&D. (Vamps playing D&D. It’s fun as hell. Double the games, double the roleplay!)

Overall, my house might not have been the most fantastic, but I did manage to win Best Vibe! I was shocked to hear that I won anything. That felt pretty good. Especially considering how I was going for an overall feel of the plot. I wanted a relaxing yet fun area, and apparently I succeeded. Yay!

If you have any questions about this, feel free to ask me via Twitter @Rabidbushbaby or send me a message in game to Kaeva Unari. (Exiles/Entity)

yawn

Status

Rabid

I won a thing in Wildstar. Post about my housing plot coming sometime tomorrow with pictures!

For now, sleep.

New Bracelet

 

I streamed a bit last night and made some chainmail stuffs. I managed to get a bracelet made. Just a simple 4in1 style with some color. I might end up making a matching choker necklace too.
bibraceletI also started a little chunk of something for a possible bigger project. No pics, but it’s a starter piece. Doesn’t look like much of anything yet.

So, how did streaming go? Muuuuuuuch better than last week. I decided to go sans face cam, not because of last week’s issues, but because I was lazy and didn’t want to change out of my pajamas.

It went well. Not too many people stopping in, no one chatting, but I did get three new followers. That’s cool. It was a relaxing two hours, and I managed to make something.

Days like that are encouraging for streaming. I like the zero drama/no stupidfuck days.

 

Guild Wars 2 – Lost Edition

The other day I randomly decided to load up Guild Wars 2. I hadn’t played it in ages.

gwchar

I had no idea what I was doing…

Things have changed a lot since I last played. The talent trees got an overhaul, and the economy is baffling. I basically just went out and started killing things.

The nice thing about Guild Wars 2 is that you can go to any zone and still get experience due to their level adjustment system. So, if you are level 60 and head into a level 15-20 zone, your effective level reduces to about 17 or so. Also, this is automatic. Your level adjusts no matter where you go. It also adjusts up for PvP, and makes you max level.

In other MMOs, there is a thing called mentoring. This allows you to lower your own level to party members so that you can help them out and not screw up exp gain for anyone. It also lets you have an equal level challenge. I mean, sure it can be fun to be high level and one shot everything, but you lose out on the fun of actually trying to accomplish things as a group.

Still, in Guild Wars 2, I was lost and alone. I don’t have a guild. I don’t really know a lot of other people who play, and I don’t think I’m on the same server as any who might play. So, the group thing didn’t really matter.

While I was aimlessly wandering, I tested out the PvP as well. Again, I haven’t played in a long time, and the first two games I played, my team won. (*gasp*) I also wasn’t last in points. I did surprisingly well for having no idea what was going on. I just went in going “Aaaaaaah!!! I’m shooting you in the face with my bow! Aaaaaahhhh!”

It was kinda fun.

I’ve managed to get my ranger up to the mid 70s in a couple of days. (Note: She was like early 60s when I loaded up the game the other day.) I’m still not entirely sure of the fastest exp path, but I’m exploring.

I’m also exploring the economy. The auction house is full of crap. Prices for things are weird, and sometimes don’t make a lot of sense. I’m trying to figure out the best way of making money in this game, as I need to do the currency exchange.

What does that mean? It means that you can transform in game gold into the cash shop currency. I.e. get stuff without paying real money.

I’m definitely lacking on funds right now, and anyone who knows me knows how bad the altitis is… I can’t make all of the classes because I don’t have enough character slots. Now, if I felt like it, I could pay $10 to unlock another slot. But I don’t feel like, nor can I waste the money on it.

So, this means that I need to grind my way through something in the game to get enough money just to create another character. That kind of sucks, but the game is free. (Technically still buy to play, but I bought it ages ago.)

That’s the good and bad of free to play style MMOs. You can technically acquire everything for free, but it just takes you for fuck ever.

Guild Wars 2 isn’t a game I play often, but it’s one that I occasionally come back to. I can guarantee that it would be more fun with a group, but I just haven’t bothered figuring out who plays and who doesn’t.

can’t brain

Status

Rabid

Possible posts later on about stuff. I can’t brain yet, because I haven’t started the coffee.

Ugh. Tired. Blargh.

Streaming and Stuffs

I’ve talked about our streaming adventure before. You know, the whole TechnDaggers thing over on Twitch? The thing that we don’t do nearly enough? Yeah. That.

TechnDaggers

Ok, so here’s the plan. We are going to try to stream at least four days a week. We’ll trade off days, so Etikor will take Mondays and Wednesdays. I’ll take Tuesdays and Thursdays.

That’s the plan so far… We’ll see if we can stick to it for even one week. It’d be great if we do.

You know what else would be great? All the obnoxious children go back to school and get their internet privileges revoked. That’d be great.

Ugh. The last time I streamed, my chat was full of fucktards. They seem to flock in groups to channels just to harass people. My husband has seen this lately in other channels as well.

It’s sad. I mean, these kids have nothing better to do than to try pissing off people with lame insults and sexist/racist comments.

The comments are lame. Kids, the fact that you think this is the best use of your time is what pisses me off. It’s also what gets you banned.

Yeah, I have zero patience for that kind of shit. If people come in and are rude right from the start, they don’t get a warning. They don’t get acknowledgement. They just get straight kicked the fuck out.

So… That being said. I wonder how many people I’ll be banning this week while we attempt a streaming schedule.

I’m going to bet it will be a 5 to 1 ratio of bans to follows.

I Will Be Heard

Recent situations have caused a lot of problems lately. Most of those problems are in my own head. It sucks. Being stressed out 99% of the time is exhausting. It’s horrible, and not fair to anyone.

Some days, I have that magical 1%. That brief period of time when I’m actually slightly relaxed, and shockingly, actually happy. It never lasts. I have a few hours at most to enjoy the good mood and use it for anything productive. Once it’s gone, I’m back to feeling like I’m a waste of space.

Lately, there have been some really dark days. I mean dark. So dark that I don’t want to come back from it. I’d rather cease to exist in those moments. I feel like it would be a kindness to others so that they don’t have to deal with me anymore. Mainly because I don’t want to deal with myself anymore.

This is what I’ve been struggling with. I have many problems, and feel like no one ever wants to listen to me. I’m angry a lot, and when I try to vent and get it out, I feel like so many people turn away or just aren’t there to listen in the first place.

It sucks to want to scream, but hold it in because you feel that no one wants to hear it.

I’ve reached a breaking point. Hell, I’m past the breaking point. I’m already shattered.

Today I had a brief moment of clarity. I worry about what others think of me so much that I have, in fact, hidden myself away from the world. I’ve kept things to myself because I’m so afraid of bothering or hurting other people that I’ve hurt myself instead.

So fuck all of you.

I remember long ago, some woman told me that I have a strong voice. I don’t remember what her name was, or what she looked like, but I remember that moment. A person who I had never met before gave me a compliment that I never chose to believe. I was already beaten down by that point, and that was way back in high school.

That moment comes back every now and then. I have never forgotten what she said. I mean, I do have a strong voice. I can be loud. I can be heard if I want to. I just never think that anyone wants to hear me.

Well, guess what? I fucking want to be heard. I fucking need to scream. I need to let it out before I break any further. Fuck it if people hear me or not. I’m doing it.

We are inundated with millions of voices every day. Social media, websites, television, music, etc. Most of that gets tossed by the wayside, and I’m not delusional enough to think that I’m going to have great success in being heard.

At this point, I just have to. For my own sanity, I need to get shit out of my head. I need to write. My voice will be my words. People may still ignore it, but if I can calm the maelstrom that is in my head, then I need to do it anyway.

This is why I have this website. I’ve said it before. Usually, there is just a lot of ranting. Again, depression and anxiety don’t tend to produce a lot of great things…

I do have projects in mind. If I can actually focus on them, then that would be great. Yet another reason why I rant on here. I’m so lost that my thoughts are almost incapable of being focused on. It’s all a big blur in there. My brain races from one scenario to another in a split second. It’s hard to keep up a lot of the times.

So, here’s the thing… I’m working on setting up a Patreon account. If people even remotely think about giving me money for my writing, I’ll be amazed. Also, insanely grateful.

There are days when I don’t think that my writing is bad. I know it’s not great, and that there is a lot of room for improvement. However, sometimes I have to remind myself that there are worse things out there. Worse things that are somehow successful. It boggles the mind, and makes me ill.

At this point, it’s not a question of “Will anyone like it?”. It’s more of a question of “Will anyone even read it?”

My husband says all the time that no one will read it if I don’t write it. While that may be true, it goes back to the original point. Will anyone want to hear me?

Maybe. Maybe not. At this point, I need to stop wondering and just start writing.

Information on the Patreon thing will be coming soon. I do want to have a few things set up before I open that for, uh, business.

ranty words

Status

Rabid

Irritating things made me write almost 1000 words in the previous post. That’s good and bad. I need to write more, but I hate that I usually only write in anger.