So this has been a horrible month. There have been a lot of frustrations, worries, and anger. I almost quit my job, and I’m still not sure if I’ll be sticking around for their bullshit for much longer. Each day, even when I’m not there, I hear a very loud voice in my head telling me to give up and quit. That place is causing health issues. So much stress has built up over time, and it keeps getting worse.
I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of being stressed out all the time. I’m sick of worrying about everything. I hate not feeling capable of doing anything. If I quit, where do I go? Another shitty job?
I had a few days off this week. I was hoping that I could recover a bit. The world said no.
I am unable to relax. I can’t be happy for more than an hour at a time. Even when I try to do things that should make me happy, it doesn’t work. I get pissed off instead.
What are you supposed to do when you are angry all the time?
Most would lash out. Most would act. Me? I retreat. It all internalizes, and I’m left with no outlet. No one hears the thoughts in my head. They echo in there with sad cries, constantly searching for a way out. There is no escape.
Tiny things become vastly irritating. Today I saw someone use “don’t be a little girl” as an insult. That has now killed my day. My brain processes things at an alarming rate sometimes, and by the time I respond, I’m already a hundred steps further in the conversation. I’ve thought about it. I’ve analyzed it. I’ve reacted.
The fact that I’ve gone over everything so fast, and have formed my opinion already, just makes my reaction seem odd to people. I’m annoyed. I’m angry for no reason. No. There are, in fact, plenty of fucking reasons. You just didn’t hear them. You heard the end result, and I’m now further irritated that you don’t know why I’m acting this way. I could explain, but why bother? You’ve stopped listening to me anyway.
The comment that brought me down today is directly related to me being more aware of social attitudes toward gender. I can’t stand people who use “being a girl” as an insult. You further communicate that being female is weak. That being a girl is a bad thing. That bugs me. A lot. I’ve posted about it before. This kind of relates to work in a way. The store recently remodeled the infant/toddler section. Boy and girl clothes are now separated. So, boys get blues, browns, and greens. Lots of monster images, and trucks.
What do girls get? Pink. Fluffy things. Oh, and more pink.
Separating this stuff is telling all those little kids who come shopping with their parents that they are supposed to be one thing. Say there was a little girl who liked Transformers… She’ll be told no, you can’t get that. That’s a boy shirt.
Same goes for boys. Like Dora? Nope. You don’t get to have that. It’s for girls.
Oh, and I asked about why this stupid remodel had to happen in the first place. I was told that it was not actually to promote baby sales. It’s to “Keep mothers in the store longer because they spend more money.”
How extra sexist of you. What does this promote? It promotes the idea that fathers don’t get or need to shop. That shopping is for women only. Bull. Fucking. Shit. How dare you scare away new fathers. They should feel just as comfortable shopping for their kids too.
This is why comments like “don’t be a little girl” piss me off so damn much. You aren’t just insulting women. You are insulting men too, by stating that they aren’t allowed to feel emotion or pain.
This blog has gotten a bit long now. It’s obviously very ranty. I don’t really care at this point. If you’ve actually read the whole thing… Kudos to you. I think I need some booze now.