Turtle typing

I’ve had some time to relax lately. Have I? Not really.

It’s taking a long time to unwind all the fuckery that work has caused. I’ve never really dealt with stress well, and apparently that includes how to get rid of it.

I’m at least sort of catching up on sleep. Yay sleep.

I’m also writing. Obviously, this blog is happening, but I’m talking more about my vamp story. I’ve had rough writing days in the past two weeks. Lack of sleep and stress make me not want to do a damn thing.

I’m getting slightly better. Definitely way behind in the NaNoWriMo thing. Haven’t hit 10,000 words yet, and by day 17 I should be at 28,333. Yeah. Holy fuck.

At least I’m working on it. Slowly. Very slowly.

Writing and Worldbuilding

Ok, so as you may have noticed, I’m attempting to do the whole National Novel Writing Month thing. It’s… going. I’m behind on where I should be according to their progression stats, but at least I’ve started something.

I have a beginning to a novel. *GASP*

The vampire story that I have had in my head for years is going to end up as a long series. I knew that before I even started writing. There is so much content and so many characters to cover. This could take years to get it all out. Plus, there’s the conversion from gaming to novel, and adjusting/creating my own supernatural style universe.

On the worldbuilding note, check out Worldbuilders. It’s a damn cool event. Apparently they also have a new thing going this year. If you use their link to go to Powell’s Bookstore, anything you buy will donate 7.5% toward the charity. Neat, huh?

There’s lots of other cool stuff to check, and I thought I’d share after reading this blog from Patrick Rothfuss.

So, uh, check it all out. K? Cool.

Dreams of Freedom

Last night, or should I say this morning since I didn’t go to sleep until 7am, I had a rather odd dream.

I suppose technically I could call them normal since most of my dreams are odd. Still, there was a lot of symbolism in this one. It started off with work. Ugh. I mean, I’m so sick of work. You know this if you’ve read recent blogs here. It’s quite full of bullshit that my brain feels the need to have that show up in a dream. /sigh

Anyway, it started off with being late to work. We are transitioning back to a 4am start time, which means I have to get up early tomorrow. That part is real. The dream had me waking up at 4:35am. We were late. I was kinda freaking out and panicked. It sucked. (While I do hate being late, I really don’t think I’d give a shit that much in real life anymore.) So, I rushed to get ready, and fast forward to suddenly being “at work”. It wasn’t the store, but a rather large building/complex.

All I know is that the panic was there. The overwhelming suffocating crushing feeling of being there. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it. I needed out. So I ran.

This is when it got weird. I ran out through crowded areas. It kind of had a large fancy mall or campus vibe. I got out through some large glass doors that led to a patio. Running away from the building area, I knew I had to run behind something before I shifted.

Yes. Shifted. I shifted into something. An animal. I’m kind of hazy on what I changed into first, as throughout the rest of the dream I kept changing into different animals according to my needs. Wolf like thing for running, giant hawk for flying, even going all mermaid like for swimming. Definitely kinda cool, but still odd.

The dream wasn’t over though. I was still running. Hiding from people. I remember at some point having some “drama” with a friend. The scenario being that I left, it caused problems, and they felt betrayed. I left because I had to, and I had a secret that I needed to keep away from everyone. It was about my true nature. Being a supernatural creature. I think maybe the concept of vampire briefly showed up at some point, but I’m sure it was just my association and love of the Gangrel clan in V:TM.

K, so, there was a running away theme in the dream. I tend to have a lot of those. There’s always something after me. This time nothing was actually chasing me. I just felt the need to get away. To hide. To protect others.

I’m not really happy with that symbolism. I don’t want to hide myself to protect other people. I should feel like I’m a danger or a burden to be around. That sucks.

There was plenty going on in the dream, but since it’s now 9pm, I’ve forgotten some details. This still gives you an idea of what went on. Oh, and the whole friend scenario thing? Yeah, I ended up telling her why I left because she did magic anyway. Yup. Apparently my brain had to toss in the detail that my friend was a magic user, so of course it was actually ok to tell her what I was. She’d forgive me and understand.

/shrug

My brain does weird shit when I’m sleeping. It does even weirder shit when I’m awake.

Words and such

Another successful test today. I managed to sit down and let a character just talk. I got the beginning of a story started. It’s sort of a behind the scenes type of scene. Something that happened from a random character’s point of view that ends up affecting a lot of other people.

Cool.

There were a few little distractions, but I did manage to get 1436 words out in about the same amount of time as that ramble yesterday.

This is highly encouraging. If I can manage at least 1000 words a day, I’ll be able to make progress easily. Today was a nice surprise. I started writing, got about 500ish words down, and figured I would go for 1000 before I finished.

At some point, I checked and was at 1100. I had barely begun the scene. The character was just starting to get going. I wrote a little more obviously, but the overall story she was telling hasn’t even really started yet.

That’s cool.

It makes me feel like I can do this November challenge. 50k words. I got dis.

If I can write a scene and the beginning takes up a few thousand words before I even really get into it… Hell yeah. I should be doing great with the word count by the end. It’s not like what I wrote today was that great. It was bare bones. I noted a few spots where I could easily describe things better and flesh the setting out. I know I’ll need to do that when I start writing the actual novel.

But hey, this scene wasn’t the beginning of a book. It was a random chapter of a random book. This isn’t even something that would really be in the main books. I know the group that I will be following, and she isn’t someone that they would even encounter until way later on.

So, there you have it. I can encourage myself and freak myself out at the same time. I’ll do well with the word count challenge, but it makes me realize how much work I have ahead of me to actually finish a novel.

1000 words a day. This is the bare minimum. I know I can do more when I really dive into a scene and get the dialogue flowing. As things progress, I will probably increase that amount until I have something to actually produce and share with the world.

Annoyed Cupcake

So, gamers have been pissing me off lately.

First off, there’s that whole bullshit “movement” going on. Not even gonna touch that shit. It may have started as something, but it got overridden with stupidity and violence. If you want to talk about a real issue, then don’t associate yourself with that fucktardery.

Second, WildStar. Ok, I just want to say that I love this game. The combat is fun, and the characters are adorable. The scenery is amazing, the music is beautiful, and the devs are super interactive with their community.

So, what is pissing me off about it?

The people.

Not all of them, mind you. Just the annoying bunch that logs on just to bitch about the game. This happens in every MMO. People don’t like how things are going, so they have to voice their opinion in game. This isn’t a free to play game either. They are paying to bitch. They are also ruining other people’s fun.

No Sir, I do not want to listen to your theories about how “the game is dead”. If it was dead, then no one would be playing. If it was dead, then no one would be here to watch you spew forth your inane ideas. I’m enjoying the game. If you are not, then go play something you like.

Here’s the thing… It’s a new game. It hasn’t even been out for an entire year yet. Now, my guess is that the team working on WildStar is, in fact, not giant. This is not a company with infinite resources. People nowadays seem to think that every game comes with an immense army of people behind it. That there will be someone available at all hours of the day and night to cater to your every whim.

Bullshit.

They are people. They are working. They are making THEIR game. Not yours.

I can’t stand people who jump into a game, and instantly say “Well, this is neat, but you could have done this, and this, or this, and this, and why didn’t you do this and this? God, you’re killing your own game!”

Yeah, fuck you and fuck off.

The whining irritates me to no end. If you want a game with all sorts of features catered to your own specific lists of wants and needs, then go fucking make it. You are not in charge of these game companies.

Honestly, I really hope that they don’t fuck up WildStar to cater to the whiny bitches like WoW did. Yes, I said WoW. I’ve played that one on and off since it launched, and it’s really boring now.

I happened to head back to check it out after months of not playing. It was right after that last big patch. I played for about a week, and got tired of it. Over the years, I’ve seen this game get easier and easier. After playing WildStar, I found myself really zoning out while playing WoW. I mean, I could take a nap while doing most things in that game.

They dumbed down a lot of things in the game. They made it faster to level, and easy to bypass TONS of content. That sucks. There is no challenge. Actually, the only challenge in the game is keeping up with the amount of /ignore I have to do due to spam, and stupid fucktards.

/sigh

I want WildStar to do well. I want people to stop comparing it to other games. They are not making other games. They are making their own, and it’s awesome. If you can’t handle it, then you aren’t worthy of being a Cupcake.

NaNoWriMo

Next month I am going to attempt NaNoWriMo. What the fuck is that, you ask? It’s National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write 50,000 words in one month.

/gulp

Now, as you know, I have a TON of stuff to work with. My vamp story has a lot of plots and characters. I could (and should) write a ton of it. So like I said, I’m going to attempt it.

My goal will be to sit and write at least one hour a day.

Writing 50,000 words of fiction really doesn’t take that much time. Slow writers find they can write about 800 words of novel per hour; a speedy writer (and good typist) can easily do twice that. Which means that the whole novel, from start to finish, will take and average writer about 55 hours to write. – Chris Baty

Now, that quote makes it seem like it won’t take long. I know it will due to the way my brain works. I skip all over the place. It’s hard for me to focus on one scene at a time and just write straight through.

The great thing is, I don’t need to be linear. It’s all about the word count. As long as I’m writing various sections, it still counts. If this even remotely gets me started on my first book, it will be a miracle…

Target can go fuck itself

I knew this would happen. I had a week and a half off from work. I managed to relax. I got a lot of sleep. I was rested.

Today was the first day back. It was a short shift. Only four hours, and it’s not like much really happened.

So what did happen?

Any happy mood and sanity I may have acquired during my time off has buggered off. The stress came back fast. This is from within five minutes of hearing that nothing has changed. People are still getting screwed over. The place is still a mess. People still don’t care.

And we keep getting closer and closer to the holiday season… The time of year when people turn extra stupid, and just want want want. Customers get demanding, bitchy, and impatient.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to deal with them than the fucktarded coworkers…

I knew this would happen. I regret not quitting last month when I had a great chance to. I could have stormed out. I could have gathered the troupes and led a mass exodus to go get muffins.

But no. I stayed. Like a fucking idiot.

No, I stayed because I have no idea what else to do. I need out of there, but this town has shit for job options. I refuse to do retail if I ever get out. I have zero skills for whatever else is out there. I’m not going to be a nurse or a trucker.

I’m stuck.

I need out.

I probably will get out soon. I don’t think I’m going to last this time around. The holiday rush is going to cause too many panic attacks. The bitchy people at work are going to piss me off too much. I’m going to rage or cry, or both, while I’m at work. That sucks. It causes morons to talk to me about my attitude.

I don’t want to talk to them. Any of them. They don’t give a shit anyway. The entire company sees the employees as just more product they can push around. It’s beyond bullshit.

But hey, guess what? More people keep leaving. You know, the ones who actually work. It’ll be fun to see the place after everyone finally smartens up and just tells them to fuck off.

Hopefully I’ll get to do that soon. It may hurt my finances, but in the end… It will be totally worth it to avoid the stress, major depression, and soul crushing heartache that this job has caused.

Which way? /writerrambles

Trying to figure out which point of view to write stuff in. First person is easy. The characters just flow when they are sharing stories. However, I have sooooo many characters. How can I choose just one to follow when there are so many good people?

A lot of back stories can come up in conversation as the “main character” explores everything. However, it hurts to make other important characters background noise.

Another option is to change which character is speaking for each chapter, or several chapters. Downside? This could be too confusing to people. It wouldn’t really be a full novel, but a collection of short stories that all blend together. People don’t have a big enough attention span for all of them. (Just look how confused people get with Game of Thrones…)

Argh!!!

I need help narrowing down the format. Also, I know how I’m opening the overall story. I know where it’s starting. What scene it is. Who is the focus. But… It’s not my “main” character. She’s the focus of a lot of things, and an important part to the story. I feel like I need to write her story first, because if I don’t, it will seem like the other guy is the main. People will get annoyed if they are “tricked” into thinking he is the focus of the story when he’s not… I’m not sure if I want an established history (i.e novel) for her, or to let her history come out as the other guy learns it.

Ugh.

I feel like I’m in Labyrinth. I’m hunting for the right path, and keep stumbling upon more and more wonderful characters. I don’t want to leave any of them behind, but I still need to know.

Which way?

Random rage

So this has been a horrible month. There have been a lot of frustrations, worries, and anger. I almost quit my job, and I’m still not sure if I’ll be sticking around for their bullshit for much longer. Each day, even when I’m not there, I hear a very loud voice in my head telling me to give up and quit. That place is causing health issues. So much stress has built up over time, and it keeps getting worse.

I’m sick of it.

I’m sick of being stressed out all the time. I’m sick of worrying about everything. I hate not feeling capable of doing anything. If I quit, where do I go? Another shitty job?

/sigh

I had a few days off this week. I was hoping that I could recover a bit. The world said no.

I am unable to relax. I can’t be happy for more than an hour at a time. Even when I try to do things that should make me happy, it doesn’t work. I get pissed off instead.

What are you supposed to do when you are angry all the time?

Most would lash out. Most would act. Me? I retreat. It all internalizes, and I’m left with no outlet. No one hears the thoughts in my head. They echo in there with sad cries, constantly searching for a way out. There is no escape.

Tiny things become vastly irritating. Today I saw someone use “don’t be a little girl” as an insult. That has now killed my day. My brain processes things at an alarming rate sometimes, and by the time I respond, I’m already a hundred steps further in the conversation. I’ve thought about it. I’ve analyzed it. I’ve reacted.

The fact that I’ve gone over everything so fast, and have formed my opinion already, just makes my reaction seem odd to people. I’m annoyed. I’m angry for no reason. No. There are, in fact, plenty of fucking reasons. You just didn’t hear them. You heard the end result, and I’m now further irritated that you don’t know why I’m acting this way. I could explain, but why bother? You’ve stopped listening to me anyway.

The comment that brought me down today is directly related to me being more aware of social attitudes toward gender. I can’t stand people who use “being a girl” as an insult. You further communicate that being female is weak. That being a girl is a bad thing. That bugs me. A lot. I’ve posted about it before. This kind of relates to work in a way. The store recently remodeled the infant/toddler section. Boy and girl clothes are now separated. So, boys get blues, browns, and greens. Lots of monster images, and trucks.

What do girls get? Pink. Fluffy things. Oh, and more pink.

Separating this stuff is telling all those little kids who come shopping with their parents that they are supposed to be one thing. Say there was a little girl who liked Transformers… She’ll be told no, you can’t get that. That’s a boy shirt.

Same goes for boys. Like Dora? Nope. You don’t get to have that. It’s for girls.

Oh, and I asked about why this stupid remodel had to happen in the first place. I was told that it was not actually to promote baby sales. It’s to “Keep mothers in the store longer because they spend more money.”

W.T.F.

How extra sexist of you. What does this promote? It promotes the idea that fathers don’t get or need to shop. That shopping is for women only. Bull. Fucking. Shit. How dare you scare away new fathers. They should feel just as comfortable shopping for their kids too.

This is why comments like “don’t be a little girl” piss me off so damn much. You aren’t just insulting women. You are insulting men too, by stating that they aren’t allowed to feel emotion or pain.

This blog has gotten a bit long now. It’s obviously very ranty. I don’t really care at this point. If you’ve actually read the whole thing… Kudos to you. I think I need some booze now.