Show Me Your Madness

Stonehearst Asylum is streaming on Netflix. I’ve been wanting to watch this film for a while. I liked it. Pretty easy to get swept up into the story.

Biggest downside? My vamps. As I’ve stated before, I tend to “cast” my characters. Since I have practically no drawing capability, I use actors and such to represent what I feel they look like.

Jim Sturgess is one of them, and is also the main character in this movie. There were several traits that his character in the movie and my vamp share. I giggled at odd points because of this. It’s good that I watched this alone, because I’m sure I would have annoyed other people. (Unless, of course, it was my V:tM player. She would have understood and giggled right along with me.)

That part wasn’t really the downside. That came in the form of another character. His casting choice isn’t in the movie, but the setting was too close for comfort. This other character was in an asylum for over 15 years. There were a couple of points in the movie where things were very unsettling for him.

This is what I deal with. Characters react to movies I watch. I do wonder sometimes… If I had been born in a different era, how many things would have gotten me locked up?

Also, I got about twenty minutes into the movie and suddenly had to write this. It actually rather fit the entirety of the movie too. Turned out kinda cool.


Show me your madness
I’ll show you mine
Whisper of demons
And savage divine

Softly screaming
Heaven is dreaming
But you’re already gone

Hiding within
The mists and the darkness
Salvation waits to pounce

Bloody your mind
And rip out your soul
This is what you’ll find

Show me your madness
I’ll show you mine
Whisper of demons
Savage divine

Take my hand
Twist it tightly
Show me what you are

Savage divine
The angels are weeping
Show me your madness
And I’ll show you mine


Lately I’ve gotten back into Shadowrun Returns. Granted, this is another case of vamp related things spreading to other games… Yeah. I have a character that finally nailed down his hacker name. So naturally, I had to go and make a decker in Shadowrun using that name.

While playing that again, I stumbled across the fact that there is a kickstarter for a new expansion to the game. So here’s some pimpage for that. Get the game, pledge the KS, and go play in the shadows. It’s fun!

Dumbest Police Force Ever

Took a little break from the internets to watch some shows. Now that I’m back, I’m still irritated by one.

Ok, so I got caught up on Gotham, and also watched Supernatural. Both full of yay. It’s the show that I watched in between those two that leaves me with a slight bit of rage.

The Flash. I like the show. There are parts of it that I really do enjoy. There are entertaining characters, my favorite being Cisco. He’s adorable.

want to like the entire show. The bits that I don’t like… The parts that I absolutely loathe include the cops. All of them. Even the daughter of one.

Why do I hate them? Because they are beyond fucking stupid.

From the beginning of the series, I absolutely wanted to slap Iris. I have nothing against the actress. This is versus the writers. Her character is so vacant, vapid, selfish, and childishly stubborn. This is what they started with, and she hasn’t improved much. Having a character supposedly be “kind” but yet has no clue how her supposed best friend is doing/feeling? Yeah, that’s pathetic. I feel like there have been glimpses. Not for Iris, but the actress. I feel like she’s capable of portraying depth, but she’s not given the opportunity. /sigh

Her dad? Oh, yeah, I could have done a drinking game early on with that character. Every time he switched sides or changed his mind because someone told him to, drink. Fucking stick to an opinion for fucks sake. What kind of detective is that?

“Oh, you said you didn’t do anything? Ok, I believe you.” - Detective Dipshit

“He did it.” – some random guy in the corner

“Oh, I guess I have to arrest you now.” – Detective Dipshit

Yup. Then there’s the partner/daughter’s boyfriend. They seem to have gone out of their way to make him the dumb cop. Stereotypical fucktard jock kind of stupid. It’s like they wanted Iris to date someone even dumber than she was.

These three get the most air time (out of all the cops), and I really feel sorry for the actors. Their parts are horribly written most episodes, and it’s as if they are only there to portray what the writers think are “normal people”. A fact that once again was stated in the episode that aired tonight.

So… Flash writers. You think everyone in your target audience is that stupid? Really? Yeah… Go fuck yourself. You do not need to put down others to make your scientists seem smart. Maybe just write them as smart and let the actors do their fucking job, eh? I understand highlighting the superhero/villains, but there is no reason to make other people lesser in order to do that.

Argh. So much argh. The cop thing is just so damn irritating and takes so much away from the show. Hell, the entire force that was there during the “big battle” between Flash, Captain Cold, and Heatwave? Yeah, they dropped the ball. Twice. First off, they let Iris in all the way to the front of the barricade. Yeah, she’s a civilian, remember? She has no reason to be there. Second, you guys have guns. The bad guys don’t have superpowers, they just have weapons. Which were focused on the Flash… So… Guess what? Shoot them? Shoot them lots? Or… Just stand there and be dumb. That’s cool too…

Stupid aside… Yes, there was some squeeing for Miller and Purcell. So fun seeing them on screen again. I’m betting they are having a blast with these characters, seeing as they just get to be ridiculous comic villains.

Also, yes, both of them are in my vamp cast. :D

Vamp news

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and there’s not fun reasons for that. So boo to that. Today, however, I’m back with some actual non-ranty but still rambly things. So yay for that.

Ok, vamp stuff. I did another character count tonight. As always, this is the count for fleshed out characters. I have a huge list of my characters, and my player’s characters. Yes, I have a spreadsheet for my campaign/story… It’s got their names and various info like clan, sire, etc on it. It’s helpful. Very helpful.

Not everyone on that list has a name though. I have a chunk of characters that are nameless, but I still know who they are. They have backgrounds. They have a purpose in the story. Hell, new characters pop up all the time. My spreadsheet doesn’t even fully list all the random people floating around in different areas where the player hasn’t gone yet. But hey, they haven’t been met yet, so it’s ok to leave them nameless.

Speaking of names… If you hadn’t known my level of dorkness about this campaign/story, then you should be aware that I’ve created some of my vamps in Sims 4. This has actually helped me. In that version of Sims, you are able to give everyone in a household a different last name if you choose. (It makes it easier for a roommate situation concept and such.) So… Making certain groups made me realize that a lot of characters did not have surnames.

So yes. Because of wanting to play them in a different game, I sought out surnames and got several nailed down. I felt victorious. Names elude me sometimes. Ok, they elude me alot. At least full names. Most of the time I will end up with some idea of the character name, or have a nickname that sticks. I’ll get one part of it, and it may take a while before I have a full name. (I can sit on a character creation screen for hours trying to pick the perfect name…)

At any rate, I did another count of those actually on my list.

The grand(ish) total is….


Yup. 200+. That amount is technically higher due to areas that I haven’t “fleshed out”. I’m pretty sure that it isn’t the norm for Masquerade campaigns. Granted, I haven’t actually played with many people, or interacted with strangers who play, so I can’t really tell what the average is. As a general thing, you don’t tend to find that many named and fully interactable characters in campaigns like this. It’s usually about the party vs the villain and his/her nameless minions.

At least I get to feel proud of how in depth this campaign has gotten. I’m also proud of all the “side quests”. Like I keep saying, every character has a background. Everyone has a story, and often times we get to explore that.

It’s totally fun. Dice may not get rolled often, but a lot of the time the battles are social. It’s all about the interaction. And damn if it ain’t fun to have to shift things on the fly because something new comes up during those interactions. :)

Cuz bleh



Going computer game free today due to lack of sleep and, you know, see previous post. Vamps are still happening cuz vamps are way cooler people.

I Quit

Time for another gaming rant…

Today provided another look into why I just shouldn’t play social games. People fucking piss me off.

First off, I’m sick of the “Gimme gimme” community. You know, the gamers that demand things to be made to satisfy their every need. The type that game companies cater to in order to shut them the fuck up. The problem is, it fucks up their game completely.

Change one thing to make ‘em happy, and they’ll bitch that something else needs changing or “be fixed”. They’ll nitpick and find anything and everything to whine about. They are overly vocal bratty children that just want their way, and they don’t give a shit about anyone else who gets fucked over in the process. There’s a lot of that bullshit in WoW.

Now, I’ve returned to WoW only because of the 10 day trial of the new expansion. Played a little for one day and I was already bored, and instantly frustrated with the community there. I can’t even play that game with general chat on. There is so much stupidity and vile trolling that it makes me sick.

So, gaming problems. I like MMOs. Particularly, I enjoy Wildstar. I’ve written posts about that game before. It’s unique, the combat is refreshing and engaging, and it’s full of adorable. People, however, suck. I enjoy group content, but hate people.

I had a guild in that game. One that I really enjoyed. It was full of friendly and helpful people. Entertaining too. It was a rare find. I liked many people in that guild. I’m the only one left now, and finally decided to leave it with one of my mains in order to search for a new guild. That hurt. That guild was the first one that I felt comfortable in, and accepted in, and it’s dead. I lingered in it for longer than I probably needed to in hopes that some of the people would come back to the game. But no, nothing. No one is there.

It doesn’t seem like a lot of them are coming back to the game at all either. That really sucks. The guild was comprised of people who actually wanted to explore the content. You know, actually play the game.

My search for a new guild is proving to be insanely difficult. I joined one guild, only to find them to be very clique like, and it seemed like they only recruited lots to fund themselves via guild tax. I have no desire to be there basically farming for them, and then be ignored in guild chat. Fuck that.

Any other guilds constantly promote raiding. That’s it. Maybe the occasional pvp, which I generally don’t like. Still, I’m looking for a guild that wants to explore all of the content, and not just rush to the endgame. I encountered someone today that actually asked me “What else is there to do in this game?”. Right, fuck you for ignoring all the hard work and detail that has been put into this game. There is a lot of story content and quests. There are shiphands, adventures, and dungeons. You know, the stuff you do before raiding that actually teaches you how to do shit. I don’t want to ignore that.

This a big issue that I have with gaming nowadays. People just blow through new content (expansions/DLC) and then sit around bitching that there isn’t anything to do. People don’t enjoy the game, they just want to rush and “win”.

WoW is a big contributor to that mentality. Every expansion they produce erases previous content. There becomes little to no reason to go through quests and zones since you can fly through the levels to get to the “new shiny content”. It’s like they fuck over previous shit just so they can show off their latest thing. That sucks. It shouldn’t override content, but be an addition to it. I doubt I’ll get the expansion, or play past the 10 day thing… Cuz, you know, ugh.

As for WildStar, it’s starting to get shaky for me. Not having a guild in an MMO makes it really difficult to do content that I enjoy. Now, I’m not blaming people for quitting the game. People got other shit to do, they lose interest, etc. It happens with every game. Still, I now get to feel like an annoyance for wanting to play games with some of them. Like I’m some sort of weird online stalker now for wanting to join people I genuinely liked in other games. I feel like the annoying young kid on the block who wants to join the big kids.

That sucks too. I’m sick of feeling like an outsider all of the time. It seems like everyday situations are slowly giving me a social phobia. I don’t want to go out, and I can’t even enjoy my games now. No matter where I go, I’m met with misunderstanding and frustration.

“That sucks” does not do the feeling justice. It’s hard enough for me to meet people, let alone make friends. In a day and age where nerds and geeks are considered “cool”, I’m still scared that I’ll appear too weird for people. How fucked up is that? (A lot. The answer is a lot.)

So yeah, today is proving to be another “I should be a hermit” kind of day. One that reminds me that I’m not fit for the public. People piss me off, make me sad, and yet I’m the one who feels like I’ve done/am something wrong. I hate that.

Setting a Scene

Today I got some new music. Started off with Thousand Foot Krutch’s new album. (Had a $10 off thing for Best Buy, so yay.) When I got home, I updated my wishlist over on Amazon to take it off there. Um, ended up buying two more albums. I’m a sucker for the $5 deals…

So, upon listening to the new TFK album, I came across an interesting scene in my head. The song In My Room instantly reminded me of another song. Halestorm made one called In Your Room for their last album.

It’s kind of like these songs are singing to each other. I can see two people on opposite sides of the door just waiting for it to open.

Halestorm – In Your Room

Thousand Foot Krutch – In My Room

Both songs make me cry, and the combination just makes it worse. I’m trying to figure out which characters are associating with it. I think it connects to several actually. Yay for soundtracks.

Also, the other albums I got were Gin Wigmore and Theory of a Deadman. Both are good, and both contain songs that were already relating to vamps. :)

Challenge Failed! Or not…

Ok, so I ended up with 17,660 words written at the end of the National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, not even close to the 50k that I needed.

That sucks. A lot.

I had several days of good writing chunks though. Those were the days where I either actually had focus, or lots of caffeine, and could get a decent bit of the story written. 1,000 to 2,000 words in a night. That was awesome.

The downside is that those days were spread so far apart. That’s kind of a general thing with me though. Good days are hard to attain. Most days begin with me not being able to focus on things for very long, and end up with me feeling like I’m never going to accomplish a damn thing. Bleh. I hate that, and it’s really difficult to get out of those funks.

So, what does this mean?

It means that I’ve started a book. I’ve started something that could eventually be the beginning of a series of books.

Holy shit.

After years of gaming, I finally got it started. /happydance That feels good. In fact, it feels great. I even managed to start writing a little short story about a random character that popped up in the middle of the month.

I might have failed the 50k challenge, but I’m going to try to continue writing. I need to. This isn’t just because of possibly publishing and selling it. No, this is simply because I need to write it. I need to get this story out of my head.

Yes, I would love it if other people actually read it and enjoyed it. That would be amazing. But right now, I need to write this for myself.

So, new challenge. Keep writing. No matter how long this takes, I have to finish this book.

Turtle typing

I’ve had some time to relax lately. Have I? Not really.

It’s taking a long time to unwind all the fuckery that work has caused. I’ve never really dealt with stress well, and apparently that includes how to get rid of it.

I’m at least sort of catching up on sleep. Yay sleep.

I’m also writing. Obviously, this blog is happening, but I’m talking more about my vamp story. I’ve had rough writing days in the past two weeks. Lack of sleep and stress make me not want to do a damn thing.

I’m getting slightly better. Definitely way behind in the NaNoWriMo thing. Haven’t hit 10,000 words yet, and by day 17 I should be at 28,333. Yeah. Holy fuck.

At least I’m working on it. Slowly. Very slowly.

Writing and Worldbuilding

Ok, so as you may have noticed, I’m attempting to do the whole National Novel Writing Month thing. It’s… going. I’m behind on where I should be according to their progression stats, but at least I’ve started something.

I have a beginning to a novel. *GASP*

The vampire story that I have had in my head for years is going to end up as a long series. I knew that before I even started writing. There is so much content and so many characters to cover. This could take years to get it all out. Plus, there’s the conversion from gaming to novel, and adjusting/creating my own supernatural style universe.

On the worldbuilding note, check out Worldbuilders. It’s a damn cool event. Apparently they also have a new thing going this year. If you use their link to go to Powell’s Bookstore, anything you buy will donate 7.5% toward the charity. Neat, huh?

There’s lots of other cool stuff to check, and I thought I’d share after reading this blog from Patrick Rothfuss.

So, uh, check it all out. K? Cool.

Dreams of Freedom

Last night, or should I say this morning since I didn’t go to sleep until 7am, I had a rather odd dream.

I suppose technically I could call them normal since most of my dreams are odd. Still, there was a lot of symbolism in this one. It started off with work. Ugh. I mean, I’m so sick of work. You know this if you’ve read recent blogs here. It’s quite full of bullshit that my brain feels the need to have that show up in a dream. /sigh

Anyway, it started off with being late to work. We are transitioning back to a 4am start time, which means I have to get up early tomorrow. That part is real. The dream had me waking up at 4:35am. We were late. I was kinda freaking out and panicked. It sucked. (While I do hate being late, I really don’t think I’d give a shit that much in real life anymore.) So, I rushed to get ready, and fast forward to suddenly being “at work”. It wasn’t the store, but a rather large building/complex.

All I know is that the panic was there. The overwhelming suffocating crushing feeling of being there. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it. I needed out. So I ran.

This is when it got weird. I ran out through crowded areas. It kind of had a large fancy mall or campus vibe. I got out through some large glass doors that led to a patio. Running away from the building area, I knew I had to run behind something before I shifted.

Yes. Shifted. I shifted into something. An animal. I’m kind of hazy on what I changed into first, as throughout the rest of the dream I kept changing into different animals according to my needs. Wolf like thing for running, giant hawk for flying, even going all mermaid like for swimming. Definitely kinda cool, but still odd.

The dream wasn’t over though. I was still running. Hiding from people. I remember at some point having some “drama” with a friend. The scenario being that I left, it caused problems, and they felt betrayed. I left because I had to, and I had a secret that I needed to keep away from everyone. It was about my true nature. Being a supernatural creature. I think maybe the concept of vampire briefly showed up at some point, but I’m sure it was just my association and love of the Gangrel clan in V:TM.

K, so, there was a running away theme in the dream. I tend to have a lot of those. There’s always something after me. This time nothing was actually chasing me. I just felt the need to get away. To hide. To protect others.

I’m not really happy with that symbolism. I don’t want to hide myself to protect other people. I should feel like I’m a danger or a burden to be around. That sucks.

There was plenty going on in the dream, but since it’s now 9pm, I’ve forgotten some details. This still gives you an idea of what went on. Oh, and the whole friend scenario thing? Yeah, I ended up telling her why I left because she did magic anyway. Yup. Apparently my brain had to toss in the detail that my friend was a magic user, so of course it was actually ok to tell her what I was. She’d forgive me and understand.


My brain does weird shit when I’m sleeping. It does even weirder shit when I’m awake.